Meet the Team - Jane: the power of online relationship counselling

Finding the right support for your relationship starts with finding the right people. At Relationship Works, our counsellors are backed by professional supervision, so you benefit from n individual expertise and collective wisdom as well as the flexibility of face-to-face or online counselling to fit around your life.

As part of our new Meet the Team series, we're introducing the people who make up our warm and supportive team of counsellors. First up is Jane, one of our online counselling specialists, who brings a thoughtful and distinctive perspective to virtual relationship counselling for couples and individuals. Over to Jane...

Can you tell us about your background and your career to date?

I began my career as a hair stylist at Pierre Alexander International in Manchester. It’s a world of pampering, but you hear everything: the turmoil, the anxiety, the breakups. I noticed a recurring theme. No matter how glamorous someone looked on the outside, their inner self often didn't match. It’s the mask we all wear. That was the turning point for me; I wanted to address issues from the inside rather than just covering them up.

My shift into relationship counselling was also driven by a personal urge to give back. I used Relate myself in the 1980s. I felt so held and safe during a difficult time and was so impressed that I eventually wanted to return the favour. I’ve now been practising for almost two decades. 

Can you tell us about your counselling training and qualifications?

Over the years I have worn different hats. My training spans several areas: relationship counselling, working with young people, and facilitating programmes for male perpetrators of domestic violence. I’ve also trained as a SPIP practitioner (Separated Parents Information Programme), where you help them recognise that their love for their children ought to be greater than any negative feelings they have for each other.

But my biggest recent milestone is training through Relate with Tavistock as an approved practitioner on their register for delivering Couples Therapy for Depression (CTfD). This is a NICE-approved, evidence-based treatment for depression where relationship distress is a factor. It’s a powerful tool for helping couples navigate their way back to one another.

When did you start with Relate/Relationship Works?

I joined Relate in 1999/2000 and have been employed by Relate Lancaster and Relate Milton Keynes. After Relate UK joined with Family Action, I started with Relationship Works (formerly Relate Avon) as an online relationship counsellor for couples and individuals. 

Prior to COVID and lockdown, my work was predominantly face to face, but I’ve been able to make that shift to online counselling and now I only work online with clients.

How does online counselling work with couples?

While Relationship Works offers face-to-face sessions as a core part of our service, online therapy offers vital flexibility and there are so many benefits. Life is hectic - juggling work, children, and elderly parents. Online sessions also make therapy accessible for those who are housebound or logging on from different locations. 

Interestingly, it also reduces the perceived stigma of therapy. I work with people from all walks of life - and this is just my observation -  it’s not counselling they’re averse to, it's the stigma that can be still attached. 

So some people find the comfort of their own home less intimidating than a physical therapy room. If you are struggling with social anxiety, being in your own environment can give you a sense of control that helps you open up sooner. Online counselling gives them that space because it's less public. 

In terms of picking up body language and signs, how does that work online?

You do miss some universal cues of body language, of course. But I focus on immediacy. If I notice a subtle look or a shift in energy that I can’t quite see, I'll invite them to share what's coming up for them at that moment. It brings them back to the present and often leads to breakthroughs.

What is a personal value that you bring to counselling in particular?

I'm a good listener. I'd like to think I bring a lot more to my clients, but this is something I'm conscious of in particular. Active listening is so important. 

For example, someone might say, “you know what it's like, Jane” but I will then clarify what they mean. It is respecting how we’re all unique. We don’t all view and understand the world the same way. We can’t make assumptions and it’s all about really engaging with clients. 

Also people can disclose things they've sat with for a lifetime. To be the first person to hear their experiences, there needs to be a great level of respect and active listening. Sometimes it is just sitting with them.

And have you got a particular approach to counselling that you could share?

I'm very much person-centered. It’s integrative counselling, so I navigate modalities based on the clients’ needs, rather than just having one method and making it fit. 

So that could be CBT where you help them to change unhelpful thinking and behaviours. This can be empowering knowing they have a choice. Also some psychodynamic therapy where they start to unpack the scripts they have learnt growing up and choose a different path in adulthood.  

When we are creating an appropriate agenda for counselling, we focus on what they are hoping to achieve. We can think of it as placing the clients in a position where we can help them uncover the solutions they have not tapped into yet.

What’s most rewarding about the job?

If you'd asked me this earlier in my career,  my answer would have been “that they make up and live together forever.”

Now, I realise the real reward is helping clients find what’s appropriate for them. That could mean helping them move on, supporting them to become healthy co-parents or giving them the tools to grow into a stronger couple.

The truly magic moment is empathic joining - when they consider for the first time what it's been like in each other's shoes. So whilst they still might be holding the anger, the frustration, the resentment, there is this emotional “ah I get it now”. They’re taking ownership and it’s very rewarding to share this with them. 

What’s a general piece of relationship advice you would give?

Better communication. This is such a big topic, but if we can't communicate then we can't move forward because it’s a huge part of an equal relationship. It’s more than “you talk, I listen.” If one of you says things the other disagrees with, that’s fine. You hold that space and show respect.

How do you recharge?

Walking with my dog, Bear, helps me recharge. In my spare time I enjoy listening to music, journalling, home decor, and reading. Family is important to me and I love spending time with my grandchildren, who luckily all live nearby!

Sometimes, if I’m holding onto something from my counselling work, I will reach out to my supervisor, who is extremely helpful and supportive. This time is so precious to me as it offers the chance to talk about issues, reflect on them and then return to my home life refreshed. The supervisors at Relationship Works really make a difference to both clients and the team.

What’s a good piece of advice you’ve received?

Remember, no-one is an island.  It's okay to reach out to someone, and say I need support.

Finally, is there anything you'd like to say to someone who's considering counselling for the first time? 

Relationship counselling offers you a safe environment to reconnect with your own strengths  - and each other's. The stigma isn't what it was in the 80s, but I wish we could remove it altogether. Life loads us up. Counselling is simply a way of helping you find your way through.

Thanks so much to Jane for sharing her story, her expertise and thoughts about the power of online counselling.

If you're curious about whether online counselling could work for you, the Relationship Works team is here to help. Get in touch to find out more.